Blazes and Cairns: Week of July 3, 2017

The wonderful people in my life. Humor, love, and perspective. A manager who listens to and takes me seriously. Sleeping in. Groceries delivered. Rest. Kisses on the neck. Pancakes with chocolate chips and bananas. Laughter. Brisk walks in quiet Iowa towns. Naps, baths, and sexy times. Jack’s Mexican pizzas. Guest passes at the gym. A new therapist. Brunch w/ bextie. Creating badass half sheets. Thoughtful and trans competent doctors. Hot…

July Meditation and Rituals

Meditation:   Grounding rituals for the month: 1. Visit a body of water. Water is the element that is highlighted this month, so seek out its healing properties. One way to do that is to visit a body of water. Select some stones either before you go or while you’re there. Hold them while thinking about things you’d like to release from your life right now. What’s not working? What’s…

Blazes and Cairns: Week of June 26, 2017

I’ve been working on my relationship with the Universe, god, spirit–whatever–lately. Mostly in terms of trust. I feel like we’re in couples therapy. And just when I feel like I’m doing most of the talking, something like what happened on Saturday happens. This past weekend was the first time in I don’t know how long that I had three days in a row with minimal-to-no plans. I spent Saturday entirely…

Blazes and Cairns: Week of June 19, 2017

People can’t give me what I need. I carried this story around for a long time. It came up in all of my relationships: friendships, work relationships, those that were intimate and romantic. I was well aware of this story in my life and knew it was a pattern, but I just couldn’t figure out how to stop attracting the same kind of people into my life. I thought that…

Blazes and Cairns: Week of June 12, 2017

This is not where I expected to end up with this post. On Monday, I wrote out an entire draft about clearing away the noise so we can connect to our intuition. How being connected to this part of ourselves allows us to feel connected to others. How we need to nurture this part of ourselves in order to keep it alive. But I felt unexcited about what I had…

Blazes and Cairns: Week of June 5, 2017

If you needed to go to the hospital in the middle of the night, who would you call to take you? There was a time in the not-so-distant past where I didn’t have an answer to that question. I was single, living alone, and my community ties were young and new. The fact that I didn’t know who I would call left me feeling sad, lonely, and a little afraid.…

Blazes and Cairns: Week of May 29, 2017

Taking responsibility for my life and the things and people that fill it doesn’t always come easily to me. I guess you could say I am in active recovery from a victim mentality that’s been around for most of my life; it still shows its face on many days. It’s a coping mechanism for me. It’s kept me safe for a long time. It’s kept me from stepping more fully…

Blazes and Cairns: Week of May 22, 2017

I’ve been running from my debt for the last 5 years or so. Or, more accurately: I’ve been running from the feelings of shame I have around my debt. Shame. It’s an insidious home-/heart-/soul-wrecker. All of us have received messages about money and our relationship to it, both from our families and the world at large. The United States is a capitalist culture where hard work and productivity are rewarded. Where…

Blazes and Cairns: Week of May 15, 2017

Here’s the truth: I’ve been depressed this past week. I am currently depressed. It’s taken an extreme amount of energy to do anything besides lie in my bed–dark curtains drawn–and watch Netflix. I vacillate between feeling empty and tight-hearted to wrapped in darkness and sore-hearted. I am continually exhausted and generally feel overwhelmed by the world. Things that typically bring me joy feel pretty meaningless; I can’t take them in.…

Blazes and Cairns: Week of May 8, 2017

It’s a moment I will always remember: walking to class as a graduate student in Madison, WI and thinking to myself: I CANNOT BE TRANSGENDER, followed by a wave of nausea and panic. And then an immediate shoving down of those feelings. For the next 3 years or so. I don’t remember what prompted that thought, but I can remember my aversion and fear so clearly. I even remember what…